Monday, October 24, 2011
The Island of Maui
When you think of the island of Maui you think of the beaches with the warm sand between your toes. The island does have many things to offer the visitor who is far from home.The island offers to share it's culture with you as you visit her beaches. While listening to the music you learn about the hawaiian culture as well as by attending the Luaus . Also by enjoying the food that is offered at the luaus you the visitor are learning about the culture. There are many tours you can go on to learn more about what crops they grow and the best way to eat a pineapple. The island of Maui can be traveled in an hour , it's a wonderful way to learn about the people as they in turn learn about you. Through the people of the island a visitor can learn what the movements during a hawaiian dance mean, the significance of wearing and giving visitors a lei when they come into the country. Of course you can look at the wonderful sunset that spreads over the ocean while enjoy taking in all of the wonderful things the island has to share.
short story correction and revision Dad and the Wonderful Surprise
Melissa White
Creative Writing
September 17th 2011
Dad and the Wonderful Surprise
Jim Malone walked from the garage of his home toward his house, the smell of crisp fall air and the changing of the leaves made him smile. He liked summer with it came the barbeques, parties, going to the beach and wonderful warm days could become busy and overwhelming. The fall season was always a welcome change, with the cooler temperatures the vibrant colors that sprinkled the trees .
This particular day Jim was especially happy, today was special he had a wonderful surprise to tell everyone in his family: Jim whistled as he walked up the steps that led to his huge front porch. He had always enjoyed porches; he found them to be a relaxing place where families could spend time together. Jim was always happy to be home, when he opened up the front door; he remembered how exciting it used to be ;when his children were little they would run to greet him . Now that his kids were in their teens, he knew he would have to find them to tell them his good news.
Jim sat down in the big rattan chair on the porch, the sun danced across the floor; he thought about how he was going to tell his surprise. He didn’t want to just say it and be done quickly, he would lead into it, he just hadn’t decided yet how he would get his surprise out. they would be taking as a family this winter He smiled to himself as he envisioned where everyone would be probably; Michael would be watching a movie and then the family have to come to the room he was in.
Jim slowly opened the large wooden door leading into his home; something that cooking smelled really good
“Hey Dad” Michael looked up from his usual computer spot on the couch, “just watching this really great movie. You have to see it!”
Jim smiled, “Yeah let me know what it’s called, save it for me I have something I want to talk to everyone about ; so stay put ok ? The family will come in here.” Having the family move toward Michael; would be so much easier.
“Hi Rachel, I have some really news, where’s your Mom; we will meet in the living room with Michael in five minutes.” “Sure, thing Dad.” He could hear her ending her conversation with her friend on the phone.
“Yeah I can call you back , ok, my Dad want s a meeting ,must be something big ; he seems so excited, kind of funny. See you, later.” Rachel headed for the living room.
Jim had one more person of his family to locate, that was his wife Joanne. He peeked out the kitchen window at the vegetable garden, the breeze coming in the window felt nice and fresh.
“Hey honey, when you get a second can you meet us in the living room , I have some really awesome news to tell everyone”
“Sure Jim, one last tomato and I will be right in. How was your day, must have been a good one.” ; His wife said as she placed one more tomato in the basket and began to head for the house.
The family headed for the living room where Michael was still watching his movie. Michael loved to watch anything that was science fictioneveryone sat next to him on the couch. Patiently they waited as Jim positioned himself in front of them.
“Ok guys,” Jim started with a smile on his face that was just too hard to hide his excitement.
“I have some wonderful news! This year for our winter vacation we are going someplace really special.” He began to give everyone a new plain white envelope. “I am going on a two week business trip to Maui this year.”
The family looked happy for him yet confused by the envelope and why it included them. Michael especially looked annoyed his father was interrupting his movie, why now why not mention it at dinner .
“Ok everyone look inside Jim said excitedly wishing he could open the envelopes for them , they were just to slow; “Come on ,open faster!”
Rachel peeked in her envelope and had a very happy smile on her face. One by one the other family members joined her with anticipation. “Jim what does this mean?” asked his wife.
“This means we are all going to Maui ,I get to take everyone with me!” Jim said pleased, with excitement in his voice.
“The trip is in January, we will leaving the cold: winter behind and enjoying the beach and palm trees. A couple of luaus, Hawaiian music and we can all learn all about the culture. I will have to work some but the rest of the time is ours!”
Rachel began to jump up and down;“This is totally awesome Dad ! I have to call Jenna!”
Joanne hugged Jim and thanked him and Michael taped the movie for him.
Summer Memories of the Drive in
title?
Summer days turned into dusk when nightfall would begin; <strong opening line<good rhythms
it was time to beg our mom about seeing a movie at the drive in <if you're going to use punctuation, you need to follow the rules, so be consistent throughout
We sat in the cool summer shade
while calls to the relatives in the house were being made. <end rhymes: didn't I say something about this already? If not contact me:)
We need to get ready to be there by eight <shift in tensefor the cartoon previews we did not want to be late.
There were so many things to do the car needed to be well stocked
pillows for our comfort were a necessity our parents should not be shocked. <watch run-ons, for they impact clarity<
Dad would remind us that we would be coming back
but we knew there were special things we needed to pack. <back/pack: read my mind:)
One last phone call to let them know we are on the way way/day <also, try using full sentences; this will add strength and clarity to your incomplete lines
a wonderful ending to a perfect summers day.
I like that you're telling a story, Melissa, but basic English correctness issues are getting in the way of clarity. Advice: proofread out loud. Gary
Revised:
Summer Memories
By: Melissa White
Summer days turned in to dusk when nightfall would begin;
It was time once again to beg our mom about a drive in movie
We sat in the cool summer night breeze
Waiting while calls to the relatives in the house were being made
Hoping that they would say yes to a drive in movie
A crash from the screen door as it closes and Mom comes out
One look on her face and we knew the relatives were coming
We dance and jump all about, excitedly
We will need to be ready; be at the movies by eight
The family doesn’t want to be late we will hurry and pack the car
There are many things to do; the car needs to be well stocked, pillows and big blankets for our comfort
Dad reminds us that we will be coming back
Our last phone call to let them know we are on the way and will meet them there
A wonderful and fun, ending to a perfect summers day
The Crashing Waves revised
The Crashing Waves
By: Melissa White
As I walk along the shore, the crashing waves frighten me
The thundering into the land seems somehow is different, though I have heard the sounds so many times before
The wind whips wildly through my long hair
Just as it blows the mane of the wild mare, horses who run free
Do I dare to keep walking along the blowing sand
This wondrous sight, not for us to understand ,but to enjoy
Watching the waves is a magnificent site
Waves continue to crash along the beach
As the mighty tiger bumps his head on the cage; letting out his mighty roar
The crashing waves corrections:.
The Crashing Waves
By: Melissa White
As I walk along the shore
crashing waves frighten me
yet I still want more. <avoid end rhymes (shore/more)<save end rhymes for song lyrics<contemporary poetry seldom uses end rhymes unless your writing formal, structured poems<SOLUTION, AN EASY ONE: playing around w/ line breaks will bury your stanzas' end rhymes, so to speak, and turn them into internal rhymes which are great and acceptable<
The winds are whipping through my hair
Should I keep walking
do I dare?
Watching this magnificent sight
To some this scene could instill fright.
I come on days such as this for the experience;
the wind and the water oddly excite me <end on the declarative, here<seems more powerful
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